Cognitive Dissonance
written last January 2023
“God did not make Adam and Steve, He created Adam and Eve!”
The pastor shouted. From the podium across the audience, was the silent chuckle of the crowd, with the age-old saying that was ingrained from when we were little kids in those tiny seats in the different side of the church.
But what about Adana? Was she not made for Eve?
For those of you who do not know, I am a Filipino-Chinese. I am proud to be a Filipino-Chinese. You cannot ask me to choose just which race or ethnicity I am, because being a Filipino-Chinese is so unique. We have our own mixed culture, we have our own community, separate from “just Filipinos” or “just Chinese.” Most of us probably have grandparents or grandparents of grandparents who were from Taiwan or China and went here and had a new life. Most of us probably were expected to be a doctor, engineer, or businessman when we grow up. Most of us probably have a great wall when it comes to our love lives. (As if dating isn’t already hard enough). Most of us probably have some hidden resentment against our parents, as all millennial kids probably do. Most of us probably despise red because we were told to wear it every birthday, engagement party, wedding, christmas, new year, chinese new year, mooncake festival, chinese valentines, ghost month, and whatever holiday we also have. Most of us probably have secrets. But everyone has secrets, right?
So Filipino-Chinese, what a life! You know what makes life even more interesting? Growing up Christian in a Filipino–Chinese family. And it’s like growing up in a strict Asian household, this time with everyone watching you. You can’t talk to someone with the opposite gender if it’s just the two of you, (gotta make room for Jesus). You can’t drink alcohol because you are supposed to be salt and light of the world! You can’t dress provocatively so as not to tempt men! You can’t get a tattoo because your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit. (At this point, I’m a black sheep of the church). You can’t fall in love with a woman, because God created Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve.
But what if I did fall in love? No, I didn’t fall in love with Adam or Steve, though I have fallen for both at different times. But what if I fell for Adana? But don’t get me wrong. I’m still a Christian. I still read my Bible, I still pray to God, I still attend church. I still want to get married to a guy (sadly), but what if I fell in love with Adana?
And which part of it does it become a sin? What if I fell in love with her, but I didn’t act on it in any way? I don’t flirt, I don’t ask her out, we don’t become a couple. So yeah, I fell in love. But that’s normal, right?
Or what if I make a move with Adana and become a couple? But without the physical stuff? Yes, the sex, we don’t do the sex. Is that a sin? Is it so wrong to want to be with someone even when your whole inner being, you whole belief system might crumble?
Or what if I got married to Adam? To a Bible-believing, God-fearing, Adam? Do I tell him I kinda also wanna flirt with Adana? But I’m not acting on it. But doesn’t my husband deserve to know who I am? But I’m not going to do anything about it. But still?
I am a black sheep. I’m still a Christian. I still believe in a God that you probably don’t believe. I still read the Bible, I still pray, and I still attend church. But I have to accept that both of these identities are mine. I embrace them both. I can be both a Christian and a bisexual. I don’t have to choose between the two, despite what the church, or sometimes what I feel the LGBT community is telling me. Because I am both. I embrace my religion, my beliefs, and my convictions, and I also accept that I should be free to love whoever I want. This is me. And I’m proud of who I am.
