Crazy, Stubborn Faith
“Tell me, where is God in all of this? Would your God, a God you say is so good and perfect, allow thousands of people to die?”
Written last April 2020
My heart and mind have united to crumble down my faith.
It has been three months since 2020 started. January has been a rough month, but we all stayed optimistic.
Maybe it’s just the beginning? Things are bound to get better in time.
But now, we’re one quarter down the year, and everything is turning into a disaster. After the Chinese New Year, there’s the news: an unknown virus is spreading, fast.
Eight weeks after, the whole world is on lockdown, mourning the lives we never encountered, grieving the souls we never met. Hoping everyone we know is safe, healthy, and away from this virus.
We have become prisoners of our own home, fearful to go outside. I don’t know what I should be more afraid of: the virus that kills anyone it sees, or the government that imprisons anyone in the streets.
My mind and my heart are at war. When one shouts, “Where is God in all of this?!” The other will seek reason, saying “He has a plan.”
As I write, almost 200,000 people are infected and 8,000 deaths have been recorded. People are dying, and healthcare workers put their life on the line. The search for a cure, a vaccine, for available test kits, have been rampant. The purge on toilet papers and alcohol seems to trend around the world.
The privileged are worried sick of what’s happening, but the poor are anxious on making ends meet.
The privileged view working from home as a dread. The poor have no choice but to work, because where else will they get their livelihood?
The global crisis revealed the national crisis. And the national crisis revealed the leaders’ crisis. Let’s face it, the leaders we have chosen are not prepared for such a time as this. They ask help from a country that wants to take our independence and sovereignty away, and the people strive to fight for what our heroes have been dying for.
My mind and heart have finally succumbed to each other’s doubts and they ask me, “Tell me, where is God in all of this? Would your God, a God you say is so good and perfect, allow thousands of people to die?”
I cling to the faith that has kept me sane. I cling to the stubborn faith that refuses to believe God is nowhere to be found. I cling to the crazy faith that there is still light in this incredibly dark time. I cling to the faith that refuses to believe God has left us.
I have to remind myself despite the injustices we are crying out against the virus, a greater injustice has been committed two thousand years ago on a cross. The injustice proved to be the saving grace we all desperately needed.
I need to tell myself despite the hopelessness and darkness surrounding me, my soul will cling to the anchor, the only One who has been constant in this changing world.
I remind myself to sing despite my heart’s aching thought for the world, that God is good all the time, and all the time, God is good.
I have to make my heart sing against its will, that despite what people have been saying, my heart will choose to sing “It is well with my soul.”
I force my mind to resonate and see the flaw in my thinking. The God who gave up His Son to save us is the same God who caused this. He is the same God who holds the universe. He is the same God who caused the Egyptians to suffer ten plagues. He is the same God who let the Israelites free.
He is the same God, since the beginning of time, since the death and resurrection of Christ, since the time of the plague, since the time of Hitler, since the time of Martial Law, since the recent discovery of the COVID-19. He is the same God yesterday, today, and tomorrow. He is the same God who will see us through when this disaster ends. He is the God who holds our hands and embraces us in the darkest valley. He is the same God who makes everything right in His own perfect time. He is the same God who holds each soul under His command. He is the same God who wants all of us to turn to Him and seek Him. He has not and will not change.
Despite every bad thing happening, I still choose to believe He is real, He does not change, and He is for me.
Crazy, stubborn faith.
But if crazy, stubborn faith is what it takes to say, “I still believe there is good in this world. And I still believe He is in control.” So be it.
Let my heart sing, “It is well with my soul.”
Let my mind resonate, “He is real. He is the same. He is still in control.”
And let my soul proclaim, “He is with me and for me.”
