written last 2019.
Depression is not feeling blue. Sadness is blue. When you feel sad, you feel blue. You are aware that other colors exist, and you know that other emotions will be felt soon after. Depression is not feeling blue. Depression is black. You are aware that other colors exist, that you can be as joyful and bright as the yellow sun, or as fresh and serene as the green grass surrounding you. But the darkness and the lack of color forces you to think that no other colors exist. Or maybe you do know that they are there, but your mind tricks you into believing that you will never be able to see them again anyway.
Depression is not feeling under the weather. Sensing that you are unwell is under the weather, sadness is also under the weather. When you feel under the weather, you acknowledge the fact that this is merely a momentary phase, as quick as the weather changes. And you believe that there will be a day when it is as if you are on cloud nine. But depression is not like that. Depression is not cloudy weathers and rainy days. It is being inside of a storm and never getting out. It is as if a tornado is going to crush you and make you feel numb, and you try your way to find the calmness, but you never do until you lose hope and wonder if this will end.
Depression is not a sinking feeling. Frustration and sadness can be a sinking feeling. At least, when you feel like you are sinking, there is the comfort of knowing that you will rise again, and you will be able to float, or even more victories, be on top of the world. Yes, you may have lost, but you know that you can and will rise again, and conquer your fears the next day. But depression is not a sinking feeling. It is a drowning sensation. You will drown under the water, and your lungs will scream for air, but nothing comes up. You will force yourself to swim towards the shore, towards the light, but it seems like you have been swimming for so long and no signs of oxygen or sunlight still shows. And the current doesn’t help you. The waves continues to drag you down, down until you even wonder what sunlight looks like, and if you will be able to see the light of day again.
Because depression is not sadness.
And black is different from blue.
Drowning is not the same as sinking.
But you will rise again. You will see the sun again. You will find the eye in the storm. And you will see the different colors again. Just promise me, that you will not stop swimming until you have reached the shore. Tell me, that you will continue to look for that calmness and shelter in all of the confusion in the storm. Swear to me, that you will not give up on seeing and sensing the different colors in your life.
Because depression might be black, and it might be full of void and nothingness and hopelessness. But please know that someone will be looking for you in your colorless world. Someone will go out of the shelter and search for you in the storm. And someone will dive and find you in the deepest parts of the ocean just to be able to save you.
Promise me, that you will keep going.
Depression may be black, it might make you think you are alone. But, trust me when I tell you, we will walk with you in the dark until you have seen color again. We will fight with you in the storm until we are finally safe from it. And we will swim with you in the water until we can rise again from the waves.
