Give Me A Sign
One jump is all it would take to stop the pain. And one sign is all it takes to stop him.
written last 2020
“Give me a sign not to do it.”
Nicolas closed his eyes and made his wish. One jump is all it would take to stop the pain. And one sign is all it takes to stop him.
As he opened his eyes, a gasp escaped from his throat. And his memories come back flashing at him, just as the stars did.
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When I was ten, I learned how to swim. It started as an accident, a fight or flight moment, saving a friend from drowning in a swimming pool. Later, it became a way to release some energy from my body. It grew to be a hobby, or a habit rather. I would wake up before dawn to get an hour or two of practice. And I would sleep past midnight to for another hour to calm my nerves, or rather, my thoughts.
When I was eighteen, I learned how to cliff dive. It started as a dare, teenagers just pushing each other’s limits. “I dare you to cliff dive. But get back in one piece.” It became an inside joke whenever dares were being thrown at us. “Get back in one piece.” Cliff diving was different from swimming. It had a thrill, a scream emerging from the top of your lungs as you jump into the water, but your voice clings to your body desperately, refusing to let go and have its release. The moment my feet touch the water, all I saw was a dark shade of blue, dark enough to mistake it for black. It was a blue full of nothingness, and all I felt was pain from the force. But, I felt free. I stayed under for as long as I could, embracing the nothingness of the sea until my lungs forced my body to push myself up for air.
When I was twenty, I learned how to talk to the stars. After work, I would go to the cliff where I dived when I was eighteen. My friends finally called it “The Dare Cliff” after being our hangout place for several months. A year later, they stopped meeting at the Dare Cliff. I was the only one who stayed. I’d take off my clothes, breathe deep, and jump. One jump, one thrill, just like two years ago. A liberating feeling. A pressure to go up and breathe. And a calmness when I lay down on my back. I wait until the sun goes down, and see the stars glow slowly as the darkness swallows the sun. I tell the stars my secrets. And I keep theirs. I tell them all of my fears and joys and what-ifs and delights. And they told me their mysteries and wonders that are left to explore. Their presence has become a safe haven.
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“Give me a sign not to do it.”
It was past night time. Nicolas decided to go later, where no one could see him. Where no one would be around when they hear the splash, and when no one will notice his disappearance. He looked at the stars and talked to them one last time, with his clothes still on, with his hair still dry. The stars have become his sanctuary, his hideout. And they will keep his secret, his last deed.
“Give me a sign not to jump.”
Nicolas closed his eyes and made his wish. Or maybe it was a prayer. He didn’t believe in a god, but he does know there has to be a higher being. Or maybe it was a plead to the universe. One jump is all it would take to end the pain. One jump to stop the voices. One jump to forget the monsters in his head. And one sign is all it takes to stop him.
A gasp escaped from his throat as he opened his eyes.
The stars blinked before him. Once. Twice. And disappeared.
He looked at the sky, usually filled with stars, become dark all in the split of a second.
Maybe the universe did give him a sign. Or maybe, the stars just couldn’t bear to see him go.
