Let Me Be the Villain
Maybe I was wrong about falling for you. How I fell for your smile, for your love of musicality. For your heated conversations and raised voice in all things political. I didn’t see the red flags when they were right in front of me. The times you brushed off my dreams and made ridiculed me for every goal I set for myself. You were the reason I was so closed off with everything and everyone, of why I refused to shed a tear in front of people but be a blubbering mess for streaming TV shows with miserable endings. You mock and point out every single flaw in each decision I make, without even showing a hint of support despite the rationale behind the ideas. I have wished every single day you didn’t exist. I have hoped that by some twisted way, fate and destiny will finally agree on never letting me see you again. I knew all those were coping mechanisms. The anger issues, the fear of committing to falling in love. The worry I have in choosing to stay for a person whose future I couldn’t see if I would be in it. But tell me, how do I heal when you are still haunting me in every movement I make? I guess I could say I have forgiven you. But that was my mistake. In forgiving you, I’ve allowed you, time and time again, to step over me. Your authority over me does not give you an excuse to trample me. And just because you weren’t able to reach your dreams doesn’t give you permission to trample mine.
Maybe after leaving you, I can say I’ve truly forgiven you. But for now, let me hold the grudge. Let me use the hatred and the resentment to push myself in proving you wrong. Let me be bitter. Let me be the antagonist of the story — your story. Because after all, that was what you made me be, right?
In my story, you became the villain. The villain I could never get rid of, and the anti-hero I could never escape from. When the time comes, your ghost will finally leave me. Your memories will not give me any pain. The shape of you, the voice of your bitter thoughts seeping into my head will finally be removed. There will be a day when your venom won’t be in my veins. And there will be a day when I will be at peace.
But for now, let me bite back. Let me strike you with the poison you made me drink. Just as you have been the villain in my story, let me be the antagonist in yours. And I know that’s no way to forgive or treat someone who has wronged me. But at least, even for a moment, it felt good to see you suffer. To see you drink the toxins you have given me without conscience. Yes, I want to see you writhe in pain just as I have begged for the antidote while you stood by apathetic.
Now I know what you’ll say. “What you’re doing is unbiblical, you should turn the other cheek.” And I will. But for now, let me raise my red flag. I will be the person who will destroy you, who will burn you to the ground. I will make sure your soul won’t see the light of day. I will do everything and anything to make you suffer the way you made me suffer. Trust me, when that day comes, you will regret crossing me.
