Of Course, Off Course
The thing is that was my problem.
Of course, I need God.
That thought has been ingrained in me for so long, too long.
I grew up in a home where my dad read the Bible every night, just as we settled into bed. He’ll read the Bible consistently, never missing a night. And when we grew older, we’ll see him take the book to the toilet, for some quiet. On the other side of the house, my mom holds our hands, uttering prayers whenever we eat. We all close our eyes, thank God for the food, and feast for whatever meal was prepared for us.
I studied in a Christian school where we were taught all of the famous Bible stories, from Adam and Eve to the story of John in Revelation. You can ask me with any Biblical trivia, and with just a little juggle of my brain I’ll be able to find the answer. Give me a famous Bible verse, and I’ll say it off as easy as breathing. I went to church as early as I was in fourth grade, and the only reason I went there was for the extra credit. I was a “Christian” through and through, and I’m grateful to have had a boring testimony.
Of course, I need God. Of course, I didn’t want to go to hell. Of course, I want to have a relationship with Him.
But no one showed me that having a relationship meant being utterly and solely dependent on Him.
Don’t get me wrong. I am eternally grateful and indebted to have a community that showed me their relationship with God. I am thankful for how God made our lives intersect for them to be an inspiration to my life as well.
The problem was, I didn’t know how to be dependent solely on Him.
How could I? I was the stereotype of the eldest daughter growing up in an Asian household. I have to hold everything together and be the good daughter. And when I didn’t want that stereotype anymore, I broke away. And I did it, all by myself.
When I got my first job before I graduated, of course, I thanked God for His help. But all the hardships and sleepless nights, it was me who pushed through. It was the endless cups of coffee, tons of anxiety attacks, and thought after thought on every creative idea just to prove to myself and everyone I was called to teach.
Of course, I need God. Of course, I have a relationship with Him.
I just didn’t need God enough to be the Lord of my life.
That’s the problem with being independent in this world. Reality will come crashing: in this world, everyone will let you down at one point or another. In this lifetime, we are left to fend for ourselves. And at this moment, dependency is a weakness. And weakness? The world will sniff out any sign of it and smash it down.
So I became the strong, independent, girl to the best of my abilities.
That was, until we realize God’s view is completely different. In God’s eyes, because everyone will let you down, why not trust the One who never will? Because we are left to fend for ourselves, why not run to the One who is the God of angel armies? Because independence is strength in the world’s eyes, we can be dependent on Him.
We don’t have to be strong. We don’t have to be independent. We have a God who already is all of that.
God had to show me how idiotic and idolatrous that mindset can become, and has become to me, and how He has to take everything away from me to make me realize, that dependency on Him is a supernatural strength.
It took me applying for different jobs abroad and turned down because of visa and lack of funds, and getting into a relationship that burnt me badly, to realize that if only I depended on Him, He would have revealed His good and pleasing will to me (maybe) earlier.
I had to veer off course just to come face to face with the fact that I cannot do anything without Him. All my plans are meaningless, and all my dreams are in vain if I do not give them to Him.
So this just goes to show, apart from Him, we really can’t do anything. (John 15:5)
And I’m glad. Because can you imagine fending off for ourselves in this world? I know I can’t.
Of course, I can be strong.
Of course, I can be independent.
But I don’t have to,
Because I have a God who can be all those things,
And failure isn’t in His nature.
