written last 2020.
Day 1
The black dog is enormous today. I couldn’t stop him from intruding on me. Each time my thoughts wander, it barks loud enough for my ears to ring. It was at the corner of my eye when I was teaching, never leaving my sight. It was there when I was resting. My body relaxes while my mind tenses up each moment the black dog appears. It was there when I was eating. Food is no longer a reason for joy. Even in everyday tasks, I cannot run away from it. I grew nervous because of its shadow. I assumed it had left. The last time it stayed was four years ago. Most times, it visits, torments me, and once satisfied, leaves. But it never disappeared. I guess it was only sleeping. I was a fool for expecting it to take off. It was just sleeping until the nightmares woke him. Now, it’s haunting me. I wonder until when it will stay awake. Because if it stays awake, all I could do is fall asleep. I want to go home, but I can’t. The dog is always bigger at home. At home, the dog barks at my face while scratching my wrists. It hurts, but I can hide it. I should disguise it. No one else can see the shadow. If only I can call someone for help. I hate having a hound follow me. Its very existence chills me and makes me wish I am numb. I never should have kept it. I long to tell everyone how terrifying the dog is. It’s more destructive at night. But who would believe me?
Day 15
The black dog has stopped moping. He has ceased to scratch my body. The black dog used to slap and attack me the second my eyes water and tears threaten to fall. But now, he is different. His eyes have turned crimson. His gloomy mood has shifted into a deafening bark, and he is an animal that will bite me. He has been alive for too long. His sadness has turned into fury. His growl is sharp and hopeless to tear away. The slightest irritation, the tiniest annoyance, and his temper flares. He is angry. I am frightened his anger will get the best of me. Staying inside his cage is not helping anyone. I am convinced he needs to leave the cage before something awful might happen. Before we do something we both regret.
Day 30
The black dog has changed its motives. He refuses to acknowledge any emotion and busies himself. His pale gray skin deflects the raging colors in his head. Continue working, distract yourself from anything and everything. The voices in my head shut down after the dog barks, demanding me to work. He protests to answer my calls. He opened my eyes and made me realize, the only reason I have monsters in my head is because of the demons I keep in my reality.
Day 45
The black dog has surrendered. He has been sad, angry, and he has kept me busy. Now, the black dog is silent. My knuckles turn white as the dog stands idly. His stillness is not wherein he is asleep. He is wide awake. I recognize that. We both know it. We stare at each other, distrustful of each other’s intentions. He scrutinizes me, stays to hold me restless, advances to control my thoughts. But he is no longer gigantic. The black dog has shrunk, but his grip on me is the same, strong, painful, burning. He learns he need not be big anymore. He knows I can’t escape. And I’m starting to think I might never be able to.
